When I started this blog I intended to update it often. I
expected to find it therapeutic and for a few days it was. But then the grind
of living life and trying to keep things normal just sapped the desire to write
frequently. So here we are in November a full two months from my last post.
We had scan number two today. The results? We have reached a
place of “stabilized disease”. Stable is good, right? It means the tumor has
not grown any but neither has it shrunk. We are “stable”. Our doctor says that sometimes
this is the best that can be achieved with metastatic pancreatic cancer. If I
sound perturbed by that status you would be correct.
I have entered that state of faith in which I trust in what
the LORD has told me. I truly heard him say “This is NOT unto death”. When I share
that, I get a few different responses.
- Silence. What do you say to someone who has heard the LORD speak?
- “Are you sure that is what you heard?”
- “She is saved. Her soul lives forever with Jesus.”
- “She may not be healed in this life.”
- “I admire your faith.”
- “I wish I could believe like that.”
- Silence with the look that says “You’re crazy”.
But what should the response be when someone trusts in the
WORD of the ONE who asks “Is there anything too hard for ME?” (Genesis18:14)
My answer is to simply believe. It’s not easy. It’s only because
I know my Jesus that choose to NOT go running, screaming into the night. HE is
the ONE who sacrificed his own life so I could supernaturally be spared my own.
HE is the ONE who has supernaturally provided money when I have had none. HE is
the ONE who supernaturally healed by daughter in ICU when she was 5 months old.
HE is the ONE who supernaturally made a way for us to minister in Africa for 6
years. HE is the ONE who supernaturally led us to a sick, neglected 18-month
old who is now our son. HE is the ONE who supernaturally conquered infertility
to bring us our first granddaughter. HE is the ONE who supernaturally speaks
through me every time I share HIS WORD. HE is the ONE who supernaturally calms
my fears, dispels my anxiety, and soothes my heart.
So why wouldn’t I choose to believe HIM? If I allow the
natural circumstances and “realities” of life to countermand HIS supernatural
nature, what does that say about my faith in HIM? So I say “NO” to those things
that want to mock HIS CHARACTER and say “YES” to HIS WORDS.
Is this journey any fun at all? Not really. Does this
journey have any joy in it? Abundantly. I have the privilege of being able to
testify to HIS NAME and HIS CHARACTER in the face of the whispered lies of the
enemy. I have the privilege of choosing in word and action to stand for HIM as
HE stood for me at Calvary. I have the privilege of allowing HIM to use my life
as a proving ground for HIS NATURE. In that there is much joy accompanied by
many tears. But I wouldn’t trade it for an existence without HIM. And so I
believe. (Mark 5:36)
